And She Tumbled
Posted on December 4, 2010 - Filed Under art, art therapy, mermaid, self concept
I have a friend who frequently says, “I want to be a mermaid…” and as I have tumbled through all kinds of feelings the last few weeks, the kind that shift and move, and pull and push, and essentially make foam and toss me about, I am learning to ride it all like a mermaid. Sometimes I am not so graceful at it, sometimes I move through it and find I’ve learned to surf, and sometimes… well sometimes it all just takes me and moves me around every-which-way… and there I am.
Success will Rain
Posted on November 28, 2010 - Filed Under art, art therapy, celebration, friends, fun, gratitude
Blessings: coffee and art with my friend Jamie, and a quick trip to Panda Express. We agreed to integrate our fortune cookie message into our art, and we played until 11:30 when I finally packed it up to go home…
Where She Sits Safe
Posted on November 23, 2010 - Filed Under art, crossroads, feelings, healing, imagery, journaling, trees
Making sense of things isn’t always easy. I don’t have the perspective of all the other worlds, thoughts, or beliefs of others… yet it all has an impact on me. I would like to say that it doesn’t, but it does. Since I can’t control how others experience the world, or how I am perceived, I simply have to trust all that I am, continue with good intention and love, and believe in the growth that I am nurturing in myself, nurtured by the lessons provided by others.
It is funny that when I start a small art project, I have no idea how it will evolve. I may have a fragment of it in mind, but I just go, and add, and draw, and color, and move my hands, until all the quiet, internal workings of my mind have dripped onto the page in symbolic little gestures. Then I look at it, and see what my heart is saying, and sometimes it is better than trying to roll language around in my mouth and pour it onto a page. Sometimes I see where I am feeling, how the emotions of my being are pursuing clarity in that moment – through this lesson – through this experience.
When I was little, my family planted a Weeping Willow tree in the front yard. I remember the big hole they dug, and the leaves they threw on top of me as I lay there. I felt I was connected to that tree because I helped to plant it – planted in the hole I stood in. That tree grew to be so big, it was a mighty presence in my life, and I spent time under it, contemplating safely what went on in my world. It was there I felt I was connected to everything, it was there I knew I was loved and safe. It was there I felt I was a part of – that I belonged in the world – that I had meaning. It is there that I often go in my mind when feelings are chaotic and unruly… because in the grounding energy of that tree I could just feel and be alright.
So, I let go… and that tree keeps me grounded, protected, nurtured… that tree shields me from the rambling imagination that is both creator and destroyer, and lets the whimsy of my mind, that makes up stories and tries to make sense of things, carry on its dance and dispel itself under the strong, encompassing branches that keep me strong. And there I sit, grieving, patient, supported, letting what love there is move as it needs to… and be let go.
Warm & True
Posted on November 21, 2010 - Filed Under art, art therapy, self concept
Spending the day … attending to my compassion of both self and others…
Swimming in self doubt among other things… but at least the water is clear <3
Shifting
Posted on November 18, 2010 - Filed Under beginnings, breathe, self reflect
I love the cooler weather – the mornings where my nose takes in almost frigid air, and hopping in the shower naked isn’t terrible but more of a frisky endeavor. The AC and Heater are both on sabbatical, giving my budget a borderline rest. And here I stand on the brink of new changes, a cool new life being drawn in, clean and refreshing – asserting myself as an individual and pulling myself away from the torrid grasp of what has been an identity, coupled, in the last corners of my life where I had protected it the most. I find myself exploring the world in new ways, and meeting new people, and nurturing new connections… and for once it doesn’t feel quite so overwhelming and scary as it had months ago.
In the development of new relationships, I have truly begun to find things I had not experienced before… and I stretch myself with skills that seemed dormant, unused, almost hidden. I find myself with a new curiosity of myself, how I communicate, what I feel, how the world feels, what it is like to wake up smiling and warm, moving freely under my skin… I breathe in the new flavors of friends, the new opportunities to connect and communicate on levels I have been yearning for. I am encouraged, blanketed by confidence that comes from knowing myself in ways I had neglected… and deeply grateful for listening… listening to myself and taking steps that seemed unfamiliar, dangerous, and distressing to find a new place in my life that is in integrity with my inner nature and needs – grateful for having courage enough to leap.
I recently added a quote to my “Mindful Messages” section on this site: “To be fully human, people ought to have as authentic a relationship as possible with others. They should know that in their deepest being they are intrinsically free to reconstruct and transform themselves, and they need to grant others the same powerful freedom.” ~ David Spiegel, M.D.
This resonated with me deeply, as it remains on the forefront of my mind as I work, play, and spend time with others. We are all evolving, we are all free to change anything we want, and recognizing this in our relationships means that nothing is permanent. I am aware that I can love – deeply – others as they move to evolve, just as I should love myself in those same transitions. It is not in my power to change others… AND I have to decide if I am willing to remain entwined in relationships when discrepancies exist that are not working for me. It means nothing with regards to the others character, qualities, skills, but rather speaks to truly listening to myself and honoring the creature that lives under my skin – in all her flaws – in all her beauty – in all her being.
Potential… Part II
Posted on November 1, 2010 - Filed Under beginnings, dream, fear, feelings, Uncategorized
A few weeks back, I felt as if I stood at a crossroads with blindfolds on – not knowing what direction to take, nor knowing what I really wanted. Then, a few nudges from a P3 weekend, and I came to see how much “fear” had me bound up and left me trembling. I followed that P3 weekend with a trip to Highlands, North Carolina, providing me a quiet respite from the usual conundrum of tasks.
It was in those quiet woods, streaming with autumn colors and the quiet calls of a myriad of creatures, that I began to see I didn’t HAVE to do anything just yet, just wait until my direction felt right. I colluded with 3 other women, enjoyed playing with piles of art supplies, stayed up late, woke to the cool warmth only a mountain visit can offer, and slept in the most luxurious marshmallow of a bed, piled high with down blankets and soft pillows, that ate me whole each night, then spat me out the next morning. I wrote morning pages, and drank coffee, and ate well, and cooked my heart out to the smacks and smiles of 4 others around the table, and fell drunk each night with the sweet clean air that consumed me each day…. the only thing I had to do was… no thing, be nowhere, call no one, and simply exist.
That is where the murmur of my previously confused and undirected mind finally began to dream again, and I realized there is potential for a lot of things to happen. I could lay around musing about moving to a foreign country, or consider a city I might want to visit, or play with words for a book I think I should start, or simply read a magazine, or stare at nature, or listen. My callings to the universe, to give me direction provided me a place to carry on the Artist Way workshops, and then a ritual of gratitude and lightness of being for 21 days – only 7 minutes each morning at 6:45a – and I have been feeling grounded and content. And I know, that I am on the path, or making my own path, just as I should, at this moment, and it will be a journey – if I keep my eyes open and observe the scenery.
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I think I had an entire essay written for just this page, and I must have written it in my sleep because here I return and find that there was a lot of potential in what I had written, but it was likely tossed around in my mind and never spilled out onto the page as it should have. Then – I accidentally posted when I wasn’t ready, but apparently, the universe thought I was…. Speaking of potential –
8Things – Superpower List
Posted on October 28, 2010 - Filed Under 8Things
Magpie Girl gets me going, and her latest challenge was to identify my 8 superpowers!
- Word Weaving Writer
- I scare computers into submission (my very gaze will make most computers tremble and behave)
- Tremendously tender
- Open-hearted
- Teacher Extraordinaire
- I can speak with my eyes (unrelated to number 2)
- Creative, Creative, Creatively creative (even if my monkey mind distracts me)
- Graciously Gratituded
Quadrad of Talk
Posted on October 10, 2010 - Filed Under art, art therapy, journaling
Labyrinth of Possibility
Posted on October 9, 2010 - Filed Under adventure, beginnings, ceremony, crossroads, fear, feelings, gratitude
A labyrinth is symbolic of the sacred journey inward, providing opportunity to meditate and re-center. The shifts at each turn trigger a shift from left-brain to right-brain, allowing for a dance of the mind that opens one to one’s inner-most knowledge and self. Faced with the Labyrinth at Mountain Valley Center in Otto, NC, I was well aware of my struggle to ask for what I want or need when faced with the opportunity to gain some truth. From my meditative walk, I recognized, at my first steps, a belief that I am somehow unworthy or selfish to ask, and so I simply asked for clarity; clarity in spirit, clarity of purpose, clarity of direction. As I walked I kept my gaze at the immediate path, taking in and absorbing details. I observed the ways in which nature wove itself between the stones, and the brilliant microcosms of life existing between one step and next. Each step offered a densely different landscape. The road, the passage, much like life, sometimes bumpy, sometimes unfamiliar, sometimes smooth, sometimes confusing; like life, a journey with bends and shifts in direction and changes in message. Sometimes taken with confidence, and sometimes not.
At times, I would pause, finding a small treasure or totem along the way, something I found beautiful; a leaf, golden yellow, with blood red tips and a touch of orange. I intended to keep it, rubbing it between my fingers as I continued my mantra and walked the Labyrinth. I held on to it, much like the stuff I think gives my journey meaning, and maybe it does for a time… I held on, relieved to have something to do with my hands, so that I didn’t cross them, or tuck them in my pockets. I held on through steps and thoughts, taking in the colors, the texture, the simplicity, the veins, the brilliance, of both the leaf and the path, repeating my mantra, asking… asking… I held on until I entered the sacred center and there, I paused, looking for clarity. I gazed upon the mementos, the little gifts others had left at the center on a large rock, and I looked at my leaf. The leaf that had occupied my fingers for part of that journey, and although hesitant, I offered it up – willing to let go of old beliefs, old ideas, old and well worn identities, the stuff that has carried me through this journey so far… willing to leave it there for another to see amidst so many others balanced in a pile. I could leave it there, until somewhere my human-ness would call it back and carry it again. Its beauty I could retain in my mind and heart, its purpose served.
I know the answers come when they come, at any place along the journey, so I started back through the labyrinth, slow steps, again taking in the language of nature along that journey… and I wondered, had I really been here before? The path back unfamiliar again, aside from a few landmarks; a heavy stick across the path, the tree I had to squat under, the stone with “kindness” written on it, but other landmarks were new. How had I not seen the fuzzy black and brown caterpillar on the path, the shiny stone pressed between the moss and sprigs of life? And the mantra back became a conversation, with the truth of my own being…
– What is my purpose? What do I do now?
+ Can you trust that the answer to that will reveal itself when you are there?
– But I am afraid, why am I afraid?
+ What do you fear?
– I don’t know… being alone … my own power…
+ But you are not alone, you know yourself… your power is a gift, the greatest gift to the universe is to use our full potential…
– I am afraid I won’t have enough…
+ You have enough, you always have, and when the illusion carries the idea that you do not have enough, you still do.
– I struggle to trust the world
+ You struggle to trust yourself, Evelyn.
– I know! Why is it so hard?
+It is not hard, just let go of the resistance, follow your innermost voice, it holds all you need to know, all the knowledge of the universe, if you just listen…
And although the conversation continued until I came to the end, and took a final step out of the Labyrinth, I recognized that I am right where I need to be at any given moment, exactly on the path, moving at my pace, with myself. In that journey I get to admire all that exists, the shift in landscape, the turns, and there is never a direction that isn’t moving forward, never a path that isn’t just the path I am to take. I am not selfish for asking for what I want, all I can do is ask, and deeply I can provide what I most need… I am … and I hope I remember all this when I next take a step – each step is moving, each step is living, and all I can do is offer the best of myself throughout this journey.
Potential
Posted on September 19, 2010 - Filed Under art, art therapy, feelings
Doing hard work – with my heart – but there is always potential, for new, for brighter, for dreamier, for closer, for more connection, for falling apart, and coming back together.
