Explorations of mind, paths, and life

The Embrace

Posted on October 28, 2012 - Filed Under fear, feelings, self reflect

I have been sitting on my writing for weeks, recording clips of thoughts on the long drives to Spring Hill, and ruminating on a concept or two. I am stuck in another cycle of avoidance, whose contagion has spread to my photography.  “Things” have been feeling profoundly more difficult, regardless of their form. Stressors have exacerbated what should be easy. So I sit in my bedroom, after a movie by myself, and finally put down the unending, mindless solitaire game I play when I am bored with [avoidant of] my internal chatter, to listen a moment. I listen, although I don’t feel very brave about it, feeling skeptical about its possibilities here. Feeling timid, knowing the level of sensitivity I have been having – at work – in life – and the aching uncertainty as I stare day-to-day into the eyes of my existence. There is something missing and I can’t quite grasp it, seemingly out of my reach, yet I smell it, I feel it brushing against me when I am wandering through my day. I hear it, and I am grazed by melancholy for being in this space again, saying “I don’t know” when my core KNOWS, and the rest of me fills the spaces with mindless solitaire.

I remarked one night, in a text message, that sometimes I feel insignificant. The remark was a splinter from a much deeper thorn of sentiments I have carried… a bottomless pit of a feeling that no amount of proving myself seems to fill. No matter how good I am at trying to meet others needs, no matter how carefully I listen, how deeply touched I am by life, or how much I cry, the desire to matter in this world is not met by any amount of logic or self soothing. It isn’t satisfied by a parade of words by those who love me, whispering their regard for me, or the growing list of achievements. I judge myself for being “needy,” for wanting to have the kind of contact in the world that at least pats me on the head and says, “I see you.” I rationalize with and reprimand the little girl in me that wants to be seen, and beyond everything I know intellectually, I understand the cruelty this imposes on me… and yet, she still dances in circles hoping somehow to be touched in a way that says, “I see you, Evelyn, I do.” I recognize her in so many people I encounter that I charge breathlessly to soothe them, thinking this will fix my needy and tired insignificance.

Then, last week, a friend of mine returned to town, and I found him on the dance floor, prancing and playing as he always does. I tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention and was met with an embrace.  I am hugged all the time, however there is something distinctly different about an embrace, with its enveloping sort of energy that cups my being in a delighted, present sort of way. His embrace blanketed that needy insignificance for a long quiet moment, completely present, slow, genuine, unconditional, soothing.  It triggers in me a desire to fall to pieces until all those pieces are done scattering themselves about. I realized that whatever that connection is, whatever that present enveloping energy is, I feel for a moment my significance. I seem to come fully into my being, and feel seen. He does not know me well, but I appreciate those embraces, and all the embraces I get from my soul-siblings who know me enough to say “I love you” with an embrace that isn’t rushed or timid or uncertain. An embrace that allows me to feel their breath, feel the movement of their being, hear their hearts reminding me just how fragile we humans all are, and I am not alone.

I am uncertain about where I am with so many parts of my life right now. I like the certainty and routine of work each day. I like moments of sunshine on my face, or heavy blankets over my tired body. I like the invitations to come play when work is done, and the option to dance with friends in a tangled blur of hands and feet. I like the cooler weather that leaves me nesting, watching the shadows of leaves against the curtains when the wind blows. I like the little greetings I get through the day, and cup of warm tea. And, sometimes I am good at embracing myself, and sometimes I fall short, awash in anxiety that lately feels unmanageable, scary, and exhausting. Either way, I know that there are embraces out there that will hold me for just a moment, and I try to carry them with me, pieces of them, in my being.  … A small article about the healing of hugs…


2 Responses to “The Embrace”

  1. PiTo on October 29th, 2012 11:31 am

    Hugs my Ev!

  2. Ruby on October 29th, 2012 7:33 pm

    Hija mia, te amo y cuanto mas quisiera que mostrarte que tus sentimientos son parte de vivir esta vida que parece a veces sin sentido. Como puede una madre leer, escuchar a su hijo/hija pasar momentos de crecimiento spiritual sin poder aliviar esas emociones.Pito, Monica, Justin and I love you. Hold on there because all these shall pass.