Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Creative Subconscious

Posted on May 29, 2010 - Filed Under art, art therapy, journaling, marriage, self concept

Frogs chanting, crickets clacking at their little drum circles… and I, piled under papers, glue, paint, plastic, brushes, powders, stamps, and magazines, am discovering Art Journalism, currently in the form of ATC’s (Artist Trading Cards). And after 3 hours of messing with three 2.5 x 3.5 inch canvas cards I have discovered subtle subconscious messages putting me in my place.

"Where's it hiding?"

Where's it Hiding?

Without a doubt the “on” again, “off” again, emotionality of the process of change is making itself known. This week was particularly enlightening and grievous. The tremendous sadness I keep covering up with work managed to leak out mid-week, on top of a strong awareness that there is a level of grief I am avoiding… and avoiding HARD. That isn’t to say that I am not content, I know that I am. Despite not getting enough sleep this week, I haven’t complained about any of the usual symptoms that have plagued me the last few years. I stopped taking dessicated Thyroid medication, I am probably more fit than I have ever been in my entire life, and my head has fuzz growing in places (which I find tremendously encouraging)!

That's What She Said

That's What She Said

Sitting at Lake Lily this last Wednesday morning, I added my tears to the sun burnished waters. I realized that a piece of me is so fearful of moving forward. I am aware of an endless rampage of feelings… and I continue to shuffle around them, jump ahead, and fill my mind with other distractions. The “what if” Gremlins have been playing hopscotch on my mind.  What if it is too much? What if I can’t? What if someone is disappointed? What if I screw it all up? What if I quit, or what if I stay? What if I don’t fill the class, or what if more are needed? What if he hates me? What if I miss him? What if I don’t ever connect with another human being ever again???…  and as I try to ignore them all, another piece of me is yelling OUCH! Ouch Ouch Ouch!!

I am so deeply disappointed that all that I have loved about us wasn’t enough to make me believe I could be held up and supported. I am so angry that I have come to believe I am loved when I am doing for others… and afraid to accept what comes to me for the entitlement that I believe will follow. I am so tired of swimming so far off from shore, and watching the world exist as I float out there, far from reach. Moving towards my potential is like feeling the water with my toes and refusing to jump in until it is exactly 86 degrees… I exhaust myself to avoid thinking about all the ways I am afraid. It’s just crazy!

Soul Click

Soul Click

BUT, here I am finding myself through art and photography… little controlled creative efforts that connect me, all the parts of me; the scared parts, the love-filled parts, the sad parts and fun parts, and even some of the angry parts. And, I will just work myself outward… till the fear is faced… and I will potentially discover that big ugly fear is just another one of those pesky little gremlins wearing a gorilla suit.


2 Responses to “Creative Subconscious”

  1. Joshua Magro on May 29th, 2010 11:03 pm

    Love you Ev

  2. Amanda on May 30th, 2010 6:28 pm

    You REALLY inspire me!! Sending you hugs!!