Explorations of mind, paths, and life

At the Edge

Posted on May 29, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

I struggle to speak what I feel. For once, I am afraid to write, to say, to even acknowledge the vast amount of stuff I am feeling. I stick with what is safe and known, quietly burying it all, and I hate that I am doing that, but I fear more the lack of compassion I will get for speaking my truth. I fear that life will unravel and I will fall into the desires of all around me and get lost again. I feel like I am being such a traitor to myself. Last night, a burst of emotion took over and I so much wanted to get completely lost in it, just to let it all go… instead, as assurances were made by my loving husband, I found myself swallowing it all down, my eyes leaking with the pressure, my sinuses seething in rebellion for the silence I created. In it was even a tiny murmur of self loathing, something I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Part of me wondered if I had just been able to let it all go, without any influence or words around me, if I might never have come back, of if I would have found a tender peace in having had my cry in all it’s depth as I was feeling it.

I met two friends for the first of “Artist dates” as we try to regroup from the Artist’s Way Workshop we finished back in early April. There I sat gathering up pieces from the last few weeks of my life, and my friend Catherine could read into my face more than I thought I was showing. It is hard to hold in the deep sadness I feel, and I enjoyed the distractions of artful chatter. But, Catherine knows without me really talking, that my eyes are like that of an animal cornered, looking for a place to run. My sister knows, as she posts a blog to remind me: “Each condition I flee from pursues me, Each condition I welcome transforms me…” Even she reminds me that I can’t keep hidden from her what I feel, though doing so would surely make it easier to isolate and retract. I cower at the edge, afraid to jump, or offer it all to the universe to carry me. For as much Joy as I feel every day, there is an equal amount of sadness and struggle. These feelings so vast and spread before me it almost appears there is no end…


6 Responses to “At the Edge”

  1. Monica on May 29th, 2009 1:01 pm

    Keep breathing. It’s going to be all right. No one said this stuff was going to be easy, that you would be able to free yourself with a snip of the scissors, without pain or questions or backward-sliding or tears. That’s all a part of it. You are strong. Don’t be afraid and don’t silence yourself (at least not in your private journal.) You don’t have to make enormous changes all at once. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to do one tiny thing at a time. Transition is a huge process. Transformation can be difficult and painful. It’s really okay to be where you are, right now, in this moment. I love you, as do many others. I’m right there with you, even if I’m not physically there.


  2. Monica on May 29th, 2009 1:08 pm
  3. The Cheap-Ass Curmudgeon on May 29th, 2009 1:30 pm

    Another post beautifully written,conveying so much—allowing us to feel WITH you, perhaps giving some small measure of relief.

  4. Catherine on May 29th, 2009 8:39 pm

    “Here is my secret. It’s quite simple: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.” – The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

    Such a hard place to be right now, and yet, the other side will make this all worth it.

    When the words you have aren’t safe to be written, speak them to those who love you. Know that I do.


  5. Anonymous on June 1st, 2009 12:41 am

    I just follow your growth in silence. For many years I kept my distance, so not to interfere on your path. I know we have not had the closest relationship for inexplicable reason, but the love of a mother is constant, unchanged like the seasons of Nature. And it does not matter what, I have always known, experienced the highs and lows I have seen in your beautiful brown eyes, your gorgeous self, your delicate and gentle nature. You are my first child, my first miracle, the mother of my first grandson. With all that you are, there is not doubt you will come through to higher grounds fill with joy and new experiences to share with your precious JP and those of us who love you so dearly.

  6. Evelyn on June 1st, 2009 9:32 am

    Expanding oneself, to know intimately every aspect, every piece, every fear, every pain, every light, every secret of my soul… and then press further to know even more. That is the path of knowing the self, and being unafraid. That is what I want…