Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Citronella & Clouds

Posted on May 13, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

I have taken to sitting on the back upper deck of our place to write… later at night, when everyone is in bed, and the frogs are making up new harmonies over the quiet laguna tierna. Tonight is noisy. Aside from the chirping of the toads, there is a steady buzz of frogs and their song seems to dance across the lake, trailing off as they get a breath, being taken on by another crowd somewhere else on the other side.

I have citronella candles. Tonight I decided to try out three instead of one… hoping for a blissful barrier against the mosquitoes who are tempted this high up by my warm breath against very humid air. Not sure if it is working… but I try.

There are clouds tonight, but they are scattered, allowing brief glimpses of stars as they wander like my thoughts, unhurried and full…. and the mosquitoes… they are relentless… not unlike the busy-ness of my mind … No wonder I can’t sleep.

My sister, hearing of my struggle, sends me a quote from Anais Nin (I am thinking I really need to read some of her work!)

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

And with that, I knew I was loved, and understood, and conditions didn’t rest on my choices or needs or effort to make clear the picture of what life is right now. All I know is I feel tremendously different these last two weeks. Something has shifted and I struggle to recognize what this really means for me and for those I love and adore.

I know I can’t go back… and I am hopeful that I am moving towards a new level of self awareness and growth. Meanwhile, organizing my mind around the levels of meaning and consequence that float in and out of each day is what keeps my stomach churning, my appetite limited, and my sleep restless. Something about this pain, however, is making me feel more alive than I have felt in a long time…

(and… I step back into the quiet house… a mosquito bite on each knuckle, beetle stuck in my hair, and possibly a spider who latched on while I made my way through the sliding glass door. Boy, I sure do seem to put up with a lot of discomfort before I finally throw up my hands and make a change!)

On the flip side of feeling alive… I also find that deep, well-known protection lurking in the shadows… the one that encourages me to isolate when I am most in pain or in struggle. The one that tells me not to go home, make space, soften and silence. And, her cousin, the one that pulls on my ear and reminds me I am the only one I can ________ (fill it in: trust, depend on, believe in, look to, beg for…who can take care of things) Oh, those protections, always pushing to protect me from myself. Cleverly, they also keep me from learning vital lessons that can free me from consuming beliefs that wrap me in this place I am in. It is an interesting dilemma.

So, nothing remarkable about my blog tonight. Citronella to ward off the bugs, and a vibrant night sky marked by heavy floating clouds drifting and sagging. I listen to the chirping and tweedling of creatures, and I listen for myself to also call through all that auditory dancing to clearly hear what my heart most needs …

My sister knows me so well…


You felt safe
I know
In that little space
Laced with love.
Your cocoon
You called it
I cried with you
When it split.

Oh, safe
Cannot compare with sky.
I like you so much better
As a butterfly.

~ Carol Lynn Pearson


3 Responses to “Citronella & Clouds”

  1. Evelyn on May 13th, 2009 11:56 pm

    How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself. ~ Anais Nin

  2. detrious on May 14th, 2009 2:49 am

    I love reading your posts. I feel like I relate in so many ways.

  3. Evelyn on May 14th, 2009 8:08 am

    Detrious – I love that you comment as it keeps me from feeling so isolated when I know others know the same. Namaste…