Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Mental Health Day

Posted on May 6, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

I sit quietly now.

Energy had been moving through me like freight trains of rose petals not an hour earlier. Now, I sit contemplative, my head cocked listening to the quiet remnants of what exists there but is so often quieted down. I am not sure what to do with it….

I listen….

“This is who you are…”

There is a brilliance… a vibration of white that exists slow and steady under layers of tissue and bones, all breakable… except for that energy… I forgot what that energy was like. Somehow it has been quietly ignored for a long time.

Before Justin was born I would take “mental health days” from work and literally disappear into the Catalinas, driving the curves with acute anticipation of a quiet place. The turns and twists were dizzying, but as I came upon that “spot” to park my car, I would take a deep breath and slip down a rough decline to a place where water flowed and never reached the desert. No one would be there but me, in a silence so tender it could easily rock me into mindful rest. I would hike some ways up, till the edges of the cliffs would close in on me, and there in that niche was a tree that would hang over the water, stretched out like a cradle. It was there that I would rest my body, hanging my limbs over the edges like a sunning cat. After some time of simply drawing in the energy of that wondrous tree, I would bring my feet back down to the ground and stretch.

It was in this place that I would, if not too cold, expose myself to all of the sun, and simply settle into all that I am. I miss this place, and that time, and what it felt like to be untangled from all the things that keep my life moving as it does now. I was not confused. I knew my own energy and was comfortable in it. I could move and breathe and draw in the energy of the earth beneath me and the air around me. The stream water was cool and cleansing, and I would wash away any piece of hatred I had for myself, or resentment, and there I would sit – whole. There, I would replenish myself, filling up the gaps with in essence all that is God to me.

I used to be good at bringing that energy into other things… letting it move me and dance through every vein and muscle. I wonder now why I have moved so far from that… encapsulated myself in a place where natures struggles to get at me.

I had a friend who would take me fishing. It was, by far, one of the most relaxing activities, to watch the water move and the dragon flies skim over the water. To breathe in the air and feel the sun, and wrap myself in the comfort that at least the earths energy is always present and welcoming. I could easily have fished for days… not caring if I caught anything… but just tossing a line out over the water and feeling the gentle tugs as the water moved and creatures gathered nibbles on the end. It was never my intention to hook them, although my friend would excitedly encourage it… I just ate up feeling it in my hands… like a fish on the other side of the water… waiting. Tender morsels of life just waiting to pass by my lips.

So I sit… my head turned, eyes closed… listening for my truth…

The energy that moves through me, wondrous and like an old friend. I realize I am not ice… that there is warmth in a breath or a touch that can cool and balance the heat of my being and shift all the stagnant pieces of myself that I have grown weary of, and it calls to me to listen…

“This is who you are…”


One Response to “Mental Health Day”

  1. The Cheap-Ass Curmudgeon on May 6th, 2009 8:32 pm

    Beautiful. I just saw this picture of you two days ago. I could hardly believe how much your son looks like you in that picture. That too, is a thing of beauty.