Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Change stiring

Posted on May 5, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

So, I’ve been sick. I got this crazy ass cough late Friday night… then I complained that I felt like I was drowning (you know, that feeling you have in your lungs when you accidentally inhale water during a swim adventure, or your drink goes down the wrong pipe.) By Monday’s class I was distracted and tired, and the cough turned into a guttural rattle. I decide to stay home (pretty much) and work from bed. I pull back the curtains and gaze outside at the lake every few hours….

I am so good at distracting myself… I find lots to do, and lot to avoid. I really don’t understand what and why I avoid half of what I feel. I have barely journaled, afraid of what I might write there… I smile and laugh… but then I feel like I am drowning. The tightness in my chest, according to Louise Hayes, and bronchial problems, are related to being unable to take life in fully. I find that interesting as I have been struggling to do just that… and struggling to be attentive to my own voice.

I decide, late in the day, to drag one of our deck chairs up to the upstairs porch, and sit outside. It is here that I sit, now, contemplating what a struggle it is to be honest with myself. I am afraid that if I state my truth the world will move, and all that I know will be rocked, and changed, and forever different. Change, as grand of a teacher that it is, feels scary when it comes to matters of the heart. And I sit here, watching the sky slowly change from that searing yellow light, to plumes of fire on the tips of leaves, to a darkening sky filled with heavy clouds and cool breezes… and know that finding myself has become a new journey, again.


5 Responses to “Change stiring”

  1. Mamita on May 6th, 2009 6:20 am

    What a beautiful drawing! I hope you can draw something in my bedroom, sometime in a future. I believe that the journey of self discovering never ends. We always want or need to make sense of life, or who we are, what we want, or what we feel. I love reading your journals entries. It was so good to see your happy beautiful face this morning.
    Take care and I love you, all.

  2. Monica on May 6th, 2009 12:32 pm

    The winds of change are blowing. There’s a reason I made you read EAT, PRAY, LOVE. I can completely relate to your questioning of things and the fear of choosing something that can cause all sorts of upheaval. But with every choice we make comes consequences both positive and negative. As Aunt Ruth always says “Pluses and minuses…”

  3. N. Francesca on May 6th, 2009 12:59 pm

    You’re amazing. Your true talent to write your heart out is right here. I so completely connect to this post in so many ways.

    I’ve been on a non-blogging hiatus for far too long. I feel the dire need to return to writing my daily musings and yet — there’s a reason I cannot write at this time.

    I pray for the courage to live outside of myself again. I need to share. It will happen. In time. In. Time. Thank you for revealing the truest, core pieces of your soul. Just know this: You’ve helped me today. And I know for anyone who reads this post, you’ve given them much to reflect upon, as well. Brava woman.



  4. Evelyn on May 6th, 2009 2:29 pm

    Nicoletta – truly, thank you! It helps to know I am not alone… I hope that when that door opens I get to read… connect … because I love to read what moves you… what moves you moves me as well… and such things remind me to pay close attention to being present in my life!

    I can hardly wait to say “Welcome Back, N. Francesca!”

  5. Anonymous on May 6th, 2009 8:09 pm

    I LOVE your drawing! You are AMAZING!
    ~Amanda R <3