Explorations of mind, paths, and life

The “Wednesday” List

Posted on February 25, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

As my week blows by and I am slammed by an early Wednesday schedule, I realize that getting my morning pages done at 5:30am is just not feasible. I rarely fall asleep before 11pm, and so getting ME conscious that early is like asking a flower to bloom mid-winter at freezing temperature. It is JUST NOT LIKELY, and I have discovered that my morning pages aren’t either. Instead, I think that Wednesdays should be an opportunity to get back together with my blog. I miss it, and my blog opens up every day as part of my favorite home pages, yet I often turn away, in a state of avoidance.

My affiliation with my blog has gone through most stages of relational development. At first, we are at the initiating phase – winking timidly at one another across the Internet… He letting me know he was available, I checking him out, noting his address, but waiting to make the actual call. I was a stubborn catch, touching base, but using my blog for convenience in grad school. Yet, there was a subtle sexy lure to having my blog there and available.

We moved into the experimenting phase. Like all good relationships, there is that time when things are exciting. I decorated my blog, changing its appearance to fit my mood and interests, and yet timidly avoided any heavy petting or deep conversations. I got excited each time I made a post, and he proudly decorated it with my favorite styles for all the world to discover. It was then that I realized this relationship was no longer a simple liaison, but rather an intensifying affair. I couldn’t hold back the attraction to sharing my thoughts and ideas, pictures, whining and growls. We began keeping a little piece of each other around during this time. Blogger took me seriously enough to allow for a change over to my own server, leaving it’s files in my possession as opposed to staying in his space. Like your lover leaving a toothbrush in your apartment, I knew we were integrating and bonding. So time went on, and then the posts eased up, as I got bored. He called me back, and I would boldly announce that he was in my space TOO much, “OMG I think you are smothering me, let me BREATHE a bit!” He backed away, and as my electronic files collected bytes of Internet dust, my blog sat dormant, stagnant, and I even stopped avoiding it by simply knocking it off my list of favorites. Yes, I would come running back when there was enough trauma in my life to warrant the added support of sharing it with someone. I would blog, maybe once, maybe a few times in a row, and when I felt better, run away once again.

Around the time that I got Gizmo I found that I needed a place to share. So, I have to admit it was the dog that brought as back together. Blog enjoyed having new pictures to hang, and new stories to tell, and I enjoyed having a place for them too. In the last year I began to realize that I need this relationship more than ever. As I discover some deeply buried treasures within me, I wanted to nurture them out into the open. I started up with twitter, and played with facebook and myspace. Now we had a social group in which to share our relationship, and although the readership exists within family at this time, it is nonetheless exciting to know that at any time someone might discover this space and sit – intrigued (or bored – and if the case, you must read Loogie Hacks or Bowl of What?).

I find that writing every morning – just dumping – is keeping my mood lighter. I sometimes wish I could jot down all the amazing things that come to mind as I read or drive or teach – just to archive them here, or turn them into larger stories of truths that sit dormant in the recesses of my soul, but still breath, slow and steady, like those desert amphibians waiting to emerge after years of drought. I think, perhaps, my creativity might be that rain I was hoping for the last year…. I am well aware that I have been searching for SOMETHING the last year or so, and perhaps that “something” isn’t OUT THERE but somewhere hidden IN HERE, waiting for a voice and the courage to bring itself out into the light… sometimes, sitting with my thoughts as I learn more about myself (what feels like ALL OVER AGAIN but with a new set of panties), is like sucking on a really REMARKABLE piece of chocolate…

So, before I forget… I think I want to explore some of these topics – so I make the list HERE so when I have some writers block I can say, OH – then there are THOSE things to think about…

  1. Anger
  2. Lessons on Crazymaking
  3. Those little voices (Voice of criticism, judgement, encouragement, perfection, etc…)
  4. Conversations with “Self”
  5. Joy of Sex (Hmmm… can’t believe I wrote that one down, but obviously my “Self” thinks it is an important topic)
  6. SHARE “Blistering Sounds from the Depths of a 13 Year Old’s Lair”


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