Explorations of mind, paths, and life

A tiny murmur

Posted on November 17, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

The weather has shifted to a frigid brisk temperature. This morning I could see my breath as I listened to the breeze press itself against the tops of the maple trees, watching ripples of brown and yellow wave down to me. The 15 minutes each morning that I take Gizmo out to trot and sniff about is godsend quiet time. On the days there happens to be a neighbor out, I chat briefly, then continue my walk with eyes closed, feeling the air on my face and the movement of the world around. I enjoy the solitude, nothing matters but the air and the sensation of the earth beneath my feet…. and yet, in that solitude I recognize a safety that I don’t know any other time.

I have become painfully aware of my disassociation with others. I teach, I talk, I socialize, I listen, I hear, I feel. All those things happen naturally and I fit in the world of mingling. As I wrapped up another Monday night of group facilitation, and walked to the car with a good friend of mine, we paused to hug each other goodnight. As the smell of her hair and soft skin touched me I suddenly noticed a desperate need to cling to her and beg to be free of the shackles that keep me hidden. I saw the simple beauty and pain of being safely close and yet safely distant. I reach out but at the moment that there is a connection it is as if a silky film invades the last connection of cells, unless… they are not looking. During our chatter I could hear and enjoy, but a tiny soulful murmur flickered within from the safety of the facade that is my presenting self. There is a part of me that just can’t feel with ease in the presence of another.

As I drove home I realized that my love of being submersed in the narratives of others, and all that it feels, is because I am so frozen away from my own feeling of self. They can talk about their pain, their joy, their anger. I have those, I know those… yet, being with another is just not permissive of “being.” “I” can be present in the experience of being the listener, the container for another person’s emotions. I live those feelings, like an emotional voyeur, experiencing sentiments through the narrative of another. And, I feel distinctly separate from myself. I hear me laugh or cry, but in the presence of another it doesn’t honor that tiny murmur of self that in my solitude feels safe and present. I tried hard to figure out what that means – why the deeper intimate connection with others just isn’t there. Why – as closeness emerges, I feel distinctly jarred by the shutting of doors in my soul? I fear that I will be found out – that someone will look at me one day and say, “where are you hiding?” and worse, I will have to really answer that question. I know my husband asks that of me. In very rare moments I find a connection so deeply felt that all I can do is cry with a profound pain and bliss that I don’t know how to move or change.

Why can’t I live and experience others with that depth? What have I learned about human connection that keeps me so deeply buried? I can speak of my life, my stories, my feelings & memories. All of it easy – it is my story. But it is not that cavernous space in which my tiny murmur resounds and fearfully begs to emerge and be present.


3 Responses to “A tiny murmur”

  1. Ally on November 18th, 2008 11:19 pm

    You know what my dear, i just want to say that you are one of those people that are so easy to talk to! that is a beautiful quality to have ! Feel free to ring me up if you’d like to live vicariously thru me and my nonsense LOL! God knows I need it…haha! miss ya xoxo

  2. Andrea on November 21st, 2008 10:37 pm

    I have never read your blog before and for some reason was called to do so tonight!! You know me too well and therefore won’t be surprised that I couldn’t log off without a comment or two…
    First of all if everyone was as enlightened and sensitive as you are they would be able to acknowledge that they share many of these same feelings. My personal experiences have taught me that this type of disconnect comes from a disassociation with spirit and our inner guide, which often happens because we allow our focus and energy to be on what everyone else needs and wants, and ignoring our own needs. The only way I have found to reconnect is in quiet moments and periods of stillness…taking just a minute or two throughout the day for mini meditations is hugely beneficial. And the breath is also a powerful tool – it can be used to cleanse the soul of its static, and release the emotion that blocks us from feeling and being. The book has some good suggestions on this, I can’t wait for it to be ready so you can finally read it. Anyway, thought you should know that the Universe wanted you to know you are not alone in how you feel…and that you are loved and appreciated. Andrea xoxo

  3. Mamita Ruby on November 28th, 2008 6:32 pm

    Andrea is so right!
    You acknowledged those feeling and you are not alone. Where does one hides? That will be an interesting blog topic. I know where I like to hide with my number one companion, FEAR. Keep up that open wisper of your soul going.