Explorations of mind, paths, and life


Posted on September 18, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

[Wonderful Blogger Lost a Key PIECE of this… 2nd revision]

Since the glorious attainment of my Masters degree I have noted, looming ahead, a crossroads. Like looking through binoculars backwards – it seemed oddly distant, even fuzzy. I could pretend it wasn’t there, and continue walking where it is comfortable and known. I could laze around, griping about what I don’t have, about the paths not available, because I am looking into my life’s binoculars backwards. Yet now, almost a year and a half since graduating, I find myself feeling uncomfortable, undecided, anxious. The last two weeks I have been grinding my teeth at night to awaken with a sore neck and jaw, sensing that something is amiss in my life. I have another rash of aches and pains, a plethora of complaints about how I “feel” (and I know that means I am not happy when each day brings a new bodily distraction, ie..numb toe, heart palpitations, sore jaw, tweaked neck…) I contemplate taking some classes to learn CSS, consuming more projects for a client of mine, or volunteering at the House Next Door for licensure hours, but all just potential tasks I juggle in my mind to avoid the decisions I really need to make. All wonderful subconscious efforts to avoid noticing that I am holding my binoculars backwards and perceiving the crossroads a lifetime away.

Tonight, after a long day of classes, I stopped at the home of my fairy god-parents for what turned into a delicate “rest of my life” intervention. Through coaxing, suggesting, inquiring, and encouraging, my fairy-parents essentially asked, “What is it I am going to do with the rest of my life?” I could argue nothing with them. I couldn’t protest to the disappointment, the concern, or the loving expectations. Yes, they sent me to Grad school because they SAW amazing potential in me – I was a bit of an intellectual investment. Lacking argument, I allowed some of my fears to be spoken, something I rarely put out there. I took in a warm loving hug that had a small shove at the end of it, and I knew there WAS something amiss. “F*ck, “I sparked. I realized that I was holding those damn binoculars BACKWARDS, and as I turned them around, I clearly saw that the crossroads stood blatantly before me, HERE, right HERE before me, the hands pointing this way and that, waiting for me to STOP WALKING IN PLACE. I have been numbing my awareness with old, comfortable, and safe habits… ignoring the potential my new gifts bring… walking and going NO where. As I turned those lenses around my eyes burned from looking at it all so closely.

I have been doing the same jobs I was doing BEFORE grad school. I have amazing teaching skills and I love teaching, yet I have manacled myself to one of three jobs that has made it clear there is no further growth available to me. My pay is frozen, and their appreciation of good teaching sorely lacking. I have bound myself to consulting work that is growing more tedious than I like. I don’t pursue what I really want because of my fears about generating an income, my fears of change, my fears of what Gary can handle (yes, he can handle it, but obviously I am fearful because if I am in control then I know what to expect, I know what is coming, I know how to keep my world safe!), my belief that the students need me (they don’t, but I am a catalyst to some great learning, and if they DON’T need me – OMG, to not be needed?), and my OH SO strong and wonderful MOTHERING that I do for everyone but myself.

So, maybe it is time to look at getting a job where I go ONE PLACE 4 days a week. Where the trials and tribulations of technology and its evolution no longer keep me awake at night. Where my ability to teach, with all its energy and enthusiasm has room to romp about and electrify the world. Where the end of the financial road is somewhat visible instead of a constant current of making things meet. By George, I need to put that MA to good use!

So, I have been a *bL4nK* for the last few weeks. Uninspired to think beyond the mundane tasks I have on my to-do list. Perhaps I need to pick a sign and see where it leads…


One Response to “Crossroads”

  1. Anonymous on September 21st, 2008 3:12 am

    There it goes, my gifted beautiful woman! It is about time to wake up to your own needs, dreams, and desire to explore that privilege talents God created you with.
    Love is to be able to fly and fulfill your own spirit with all that makes you happy and proud of yourself. Justin has his own world to learn to manage, and so will Gary.
    No one is indispensable in this world. We all have a mission to follow on our own. I know you will take the route your heart will call you to.
    I love you, So go for it!