Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Standing in Smoke

Posted on June 22, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

I watch, ear plugs deeply embedded in my ears, as a mass of bodies thrust, heave, undulate, and thrash amidst a haze of smoke and lights. I am a little Miss Goodie-goodie standing in a crowd of mostly hard-core fans, watching my husband as if he were something… someone else. His face transforms when he is singing to music that isn’t really “my thing” yet I can not stop watching. He sings with a blend of passion and rage that blows me away, perhaps scares me a bit. I watch as his melodic screams raise a vein on his forehead and almost make his sky-blue eyes glow. I watch, anchored against a pole, my radar open to any sudden movement from the crowd that suggests a mosh pit. He has a way of sucking the crowd in, chewing them with words and melodies, his band-mates creating a rhythmic ripping tune that jars the soul, then spitting them out to fume and bask in the energy of it all. I can’t help but to move my body [In a Miss Goodie-goodie kind of way, of course] to each song, it is in the air, and despite my preferences for music, I know the tunes and they move through me with the energy of the crowd. Gary moves in ways very unfamiliar to me on the stage and he is different. It is a side of him I don’t see often, yet is there and breathing, panting, in the pit of shadows that has always been his music and creativity. It is something that I love about him, deeply, and yet am never truly a part of, or need to be a part of.Gary has worked hard at this in the last few years. He has gone from a raging screamer to an impassioned singer over his 15 years at this. His music is a big part of his life. I step back and support every piece of his art because I know it is a big part of his happiness. I lovingly stay out of his way as he works himself up, rages through the “pre-show” tasks, performs, decelerates, decompresses, and finally rejoins his fans for the schmoozing, signing, hugs and death pats, teases, and flirts. His followers rarely see me at shows, so when I do make an appearance [though most do not know who I am] I am usually greeted warmly. Women have shown me their signed shirts (sometimes even breasts), inscribed right across the breast line – and I celebrate with them. I really don’t fit in, but I am energized to know that even I can be there and be welcomed. That even, in all that energy, I am held with regard in his baby blue and impassioned eyes. For a brief moment, I am that crowd and stand mesmerized.


One Response to “Standing in Smoke”

  1. Anonymous on October 1st, 2009 3:53 pm

    I truly loved this blog. It describes your man so well. His passion for music is written on each strand of his hair. As I remember, the first time I went to see him at Universal Studios, I did not have ear plugs. Next time, I will.
    love you,