Explorations of mind, paths, and life

What a day

Posted on June 17, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

“Vamana accepts this definition of dejection, … as a loss of energy owing to the non-completion of the work undertaken by a person… or loss of energy due to the absence of the means for the attainment of ends.” [Jadunath Sinha’s Indian Psychology Accessory States: Transitory Emotions, pg 241]

What a day – stressful – exhausting – turbulent – impatient – busy – agitating. My 8:14 turned into 814 ways to exhaust myself, 814 ways to wiggle in an uncomfortable chair, 814 braincells bursting, 814 shallow breaths between each deep sigh. It was the day of “how many ways can you…” cheat the clock on Evelyn.

Actually, I think it was worse because I get so pissed off at myself for being so flexible, patient, soothing. I don’t think some of my clients realize that it actually takes a lot of work to be that calm when I am challenged about an invoice I billed the client over a month ago, and they challenge it – in the midst of me STILL WORKING on their shit, as if everything I do should be free because they can’t make up their mind, or they ask me to come in for one thing, then produce a list of many others they want attended to “while I am there,” barely allowing me do what I came for, then agonizing about the invoice because it didn’t get it done. I don’t think they realize the 814 challenges I have during the day that I keep to myself so I can smile in their presence. Or that it is utterly impossible to be a genius at EVERYTHING in the world of technology. 99.8% of that smile is genuine, and truly patient, and appreciative of the work and faith in what I do. Then .2% of the time it is painted on as I grumble at my own dejection. Somehow I am supposed to available via phone, email, etc, during the 8 hours and 14 minutes of labor I am working for someone else. YES, I am venting – today SUCKED – and I get to wait another couple of weeks to see the pay that 99% of my clients gratefully hand to me on the way out the door. WHY oh WHY do I not just fire the client!

Damn it, I can’t stand that I am so flexible with everyone and they can be so rigid with their needs. I get pissed at myself for taking it, trying hard to keep from bursting into tears of utter frustration. Holding it in is like swalling a wormy, rancid morsel of my self-worth. I sometimes fear being consumed by demands, requests, hints, implications, expectations, my own perfectionistic tendencies. It is exhausting to be that patient and flexible, it is exhausting to push my “self” so hard.

So, head pounding, I arrive home to a quietly listening hubby and a tail wagging pup. I have a calendar filled with other clients who express positive regard and appreciation for my time, and are efficient in their needs and lists so that I can do what I do best. I have clients whose space is like a little oasis, and I feel good working hard for them. Where 814 brain cells are not put to waste, and my 8 hours and 14 minutes feel fulfilling. Where I can breathe 814 times and continue to feel refreshed.

I take the pup out for a stroll. I bring the camera and my ipod. I listen to songs I haven’t heard in weeks. The pup sniffs, I shoot pictures of things that catch my eye. Sigh. Back into a space that feels quiet, and I don’t have to think, and money means nothing.


One Response to “What a day”

  1. Anonymous on September 28th, 2009 7:58 pm

    Fire that stupid, ungrateful client that frustrates you so much. No money is worth that much patience and dedication, Now, If you let me, I can go and let her have it, like I did to your principal in Tucson. That made me feel goooood. Bruja!