Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Todays Blahg

Posted on May 8, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

Another day in the front lines of the modern “higher” educational system and the reality that I still contend with a whirlwind of experiences and personal filters worn by a sea of diverse faces. Yack-Yack-Yack. I carry on, trying to draw on stories of my experiences and a wondrous blend of movies to turn the textbook into the face of humanity. I know that I can not always be deeply familiar with the experiences that shape the personalities and lives of students, however I do know there is a common dance we all do as we contend with the challenges life brings. I know we all learn to communicate in much the same way, making meaning of our experiences through the beliefs we hold about ourselves and others. Yet, I am still stunned when I am faced with a judgment like slick oil on a laminate floor, something I do not see nor understand its underlying goal. Stunned when underhanded comments poison the safety and fluidity of what I do and the energy I bring. Maybe I give up too much of myself to bring to life the lessons in the classroom, and offer a piece of vulnerability when for many of my students none has been shown, only to get that one student, carrying a history of anger, to spit on what I do. I little piece of me wants to throw up my hands and take that energy right out of the classroom, pack it away and stick to the book – dumbing down the lessons with simple words: pre-written and flaccidly meaningless.
I love what I do, yet in this moment, I feel the smothering disappointment of being seen as something I am not, or don’t believe myself to be, and run mental laps as I question how well I know myself.

The gift of teaching is what I learn as I become part of the lives of a few handfuls of students who teach me new ways to understand the world. The challenge is making sense of myself amidst the drowning mass of opinions and perceptions not always a part of my own world, and keeping myself from taking it personally.


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