Explorations of mind, paths, and life

To My Sister

Posted on May 2, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

I guess I am just in love with my sister… I don’t know how else to explain it.
I have been very crabby lately as I have noticed that most days I feel as though the whole world depends on me to keep it together. My students think I know everything, my husband suspects the same, my clients think I have all the answers, my son is starting to think I don’t know much at all but I do bring home the groceries so he better be nice.

I got back from Tucson and all I want to do is pack up my lovely Honda and run away to Tucson. I can’t explain the sense of peace I had with no expectations, no demands, no questions. Even making a meal with Monica was easy, no one asking me what I needed them to do, or being told what to do… We just knew and contributed time to the meal as needed. I also miss giggling with my sister, watching movies with her and Michael all lined up in individual chairs with our cozy blankets, staring at a 21 inch iMac, playing WaHoo, smelling coffee in the morning that I didn’t have to make.

Monica provides a deep sense that I am loved unconditionally. I can let me guard down with her. I can be goofy, or cry. I can complain without being told what to do. I can whine and laugh, and it comes from a place that is simple and true and in the moment. I miss my sister. Her happiness is not dependent on me.

On my walk under the stars tonight so many other things came pouring through my mind as I contemplated this quiet depression and sense of dread I am walking around with. Tears fell in limber little bursts, between snorts and sobs, as I struggled to get a handle on all the things I am feeling and so conveniently busy myself against. I miss the smell of the desert, the sound of the mourning doves early in the morning, and listening to the breeze flow between the spines of the saguaros. Sometimes I think I was made to just be alone, managing my life single-handed but simply.

Does the world even know how fragile I can be, how much I hold on and yet want to let go? Does anyone understand how spiritually tired I am? I don’t know what to let go of because part of me needs to be needed yet is so exhausted by it. A piece of me wants to love and give, and yet another piece wants to selfishly turn my back and drive it all inward for a while. I just want a fucking time out, I want to make the ones who need me so much just back the hell up and contemplate the world without me.


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