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Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Guarding the Soft Spots

Posted on June 23, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.” ~ Anonymous

We see what we want to see.
We see through the lens of beliefs we carry, accurate or not.
The risk we take to communicate what we think and feel can be a powerful deterrent from truly clarifying the truth of our vision and reality.
We hold those beliefs without knowing their accuracy, without truly testing them out or giving others the benefit of clearing our vision of inaccuracies and false beliefs.
We even do ourselves the disservice of assuming self-beliefs are all accurate, when most have developed as part of our socialization and through the influence of family, friends, communities, and culture. We put up faces to hid our truth, guarding those vulnerable spots with the skill of a warrior. We are not always what others say we are, we are not always who we think we are.

For as much as I see what I want, and see through the lenses of self-concept and beliefs that I carry, I am not always aware of what beliefs influence my reality. When I am, I am sometimes fearful of asking or sifting for clarity for fear that what I THINK or FEEL will be dismissed, thus leaving me puzzled, angry, confused, sad, or isolated. So, do I take the risk anyway? This is often my struggle.

Taking the risk, however, can result in better communication with others. It provides a shift in how we understand the world, and ourselves. Taking the risk often leads to growth and change. So the benefits often out-weigh the risks we perceive (because often those risks are again part of our own belief system about our value to others, the worth of our own voice).

All this exists in my logical mind, and yet my heart lately has been numb to opening up. What to do with what I feel and expressing that to those who most need the benefit of my honesty and personal feelings is such a struggle. To be that vulnerable lately is equivalent to open-heart surgery. I find myself looking for ways to stay numb, stay quiet, stay put away… and I isolate in my own struggle. I am so good at isolating. Work becomes a gift, taking me out of my own head to dance in the world of others. Love makes me cower, makes me fearful, makes me tired. I lose words in the face of my feelings, and shiver in the breeze of truth that erupts each time I let a feeling inch its way from my heart to my head.

Then, the big girl in me, the one that knows better, the one that can teach others to look without fear, she stands there – hands on hips, foot pounding the earth with impatience, waiting for me to open up and move on. The ground shakes from her impatience, and I find myself making faces at her – to leave me be. I think what I avoid is just to painful, and even the powerful good feelings I discover lately create more facets to what my little T of truth is saying to me.

Shhh I whisper to myself in the quiet of my space… shhh so no one else hears how loud your thoughts are… shush.

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