Street
Posted on May 6, 2011 - Filed Under self reflect
I loved this assignment, as I had to walk the dog, and since dogs are on zen time – especially when checking pee-mail and leaving packages, I decided to go on zen time as well and really notice. This is one of my favorite things TO NOTICE almost daily, and today I was mindful of really observing both my environment and myself in that environment. What I discovered was that the scent of magnolias are evident almost two units from the tree. That the morning shadows are playful. That there are at least 3 different wind-chimes moving on a three driveway stretch, and they make lots of musical white noise. I noticed just how much I love the sound of the wind through the oak trees, and that the sun cups my cheeks in his hands if I look upward. I appreciate the way my neighbors have beautified our little street with all kinds of colorful and delicate flowers. I walk with a gleeful step along my street, I feel content in a way that draws a smile easily; I smile at the grass, at the blackbirds that jump from bird-feeder to bench and back, at the dragonflies that warm themselves, at the puddle of water that reflects a cloud-filled sky, at the dried worms that the dog tries to roll in (ok, maybe I frown at them – they sure make the dog stink when he is successful), and I smile simply because I am outside, and the air feels really good on me during that brisk, early-morning, grassy-damp, walking of the dog type day. Safe, conversant, vivid.
Table
Posted on May 5, 2011 - Filed Under self reflect
The kitchen table most boldly identifies as the space where I gather with friends to do art, play games, and eat. It represents a part of me that was longing for my own voice after the divorce, my first purchase as I purged the things I no longer wanted. It is old, and carries stories I may never know, and is slowly blessed with new stories as I gather with others. I feel, in the space, cared for, supported, encouraged. I love the way the chairs hold me, the wood grain under peeling varnish, the lines of an era that was simple and earthy. I love what I create here. I love that it is placed so I can sit and still look out into the world at the lake, the birds, the trees, from deep within my home. I am grateful for all that it supports; my meals, my art, my friends, my elbows, my modes of play.
Workspace
Posted on May 4, 2011 - Filed Under Art of Noticing
My workspace changes daily, however I have a few spots that stay somewhat consistent depending on what hat I am wearing. If I take a moment with my home office space I feel eager, encouraged, and contained. I took time to make this space, separate and yet attached to the common areas, surrounded by little tokens of my self-expression, photography or art on my walls, and a new miniature vase I gathered just today. My eyes often fall on the photographs, then the background of my desktop. I often hear nature calling to me from outside, and if windows are open I have the aromas from outside. My space feels comfortable. I love being next to the windows so I can look out and daydream. I especially love the frog who gathers bugs from the windows at night. My space is Lighted, Filled, and MINE. I do notice, despite requests not to judge, that my space needs some organizing. However, I don’t feel fretful but relieved, as I have handled the business of moving through a new month.
Bedroom
Posted on May 3, 2011 - Filed Under Art of Noticing
This space, I just happened to cleanse tonight, in hope of bringing back a sense of cocooned energy, safe and warm. There is solitude here for me, and the faint reminder of how this space has been shared and what I most miss about that sharing and connection. It also provides me a place to restore myself, a place to reground myself before my feet even move on the earth each day. It is filled with the things I most love, a spot for doing art, a shelf of precious books, all my little gifts the earth has provided me on my walks and journeys – sea shells, leafs, sticks, rocks, stones, and crystals, little remnants of cloth, my branches that hold jewelry, and treasures past. My bed a small oasis of blankets and pillows that cradle me, the air a mixture of the dense humidity of florida, the smell of burnt sage, and a few essential oils. And, in the dark, the glow of the few electronics that wait patiently for my attention. I feel quiet here, quiet, safe, open. It is sacred space, filled with me.
I am aware of things in this space that are not mine, and I sometimes want to move them out, however they stay, perhaps to acknowledge that they are part of someone whom I love, and at times miss, and no longer hold in this space. My energy is clearer here just like this, with my own arrangements, my choices, my music and art, candles lit in self care. I feel grateful in noticing… grateful for this sacred safe space.
Surroundings
Posted on May 2, 2011 - Filed Under Art of Noticing
I am doing 30 Days of Noticing with Magpie-Girl and a segment of her Soulcare Community. Each day there is an activity to attend to and appreciate aspects of our lives. I have decided to share my journaling on the topics as they arise during the week.
Day 1 – Ah, been practicing noticing since living back on my own after the heart-break and relief of divorce… and coming just to this spot, in front of my little laptop, perched warmly on my lap, the screen illuminating me, my fingers, a small space around me in the dark, I notice both the sense of connection I feel, as well as the loneliness. It’s warmth a bit hotter than the touch of another person, yet rigid and empty. The ongoing whispered hiss it makes, sort of like a distance ocean wave, rolling on the fluctuations of data that move through it all day. I feel grateful, as it is the keeper of all the images of my life the last few years, and I feel grateful that it keeps me connected with family. I love the vibrancy of color, both on the skin I have put on it, as well as the images I chose for the background, and I recognize the attachment I feel to it, the way it serves as a companion to my creativity and self expression, a life-line of sorts, to keep me in the flow of doing. It houses secrets, and data, schedules and contacts, and in ways is an extension of me. I see where my fingertips have worn away at letters, and small shiny spots indicate where my fingers most frequently play on the keyboard. Right now there isn’t a thing to change. I simply feel appreciative for this little brilliant nugget of technology warming my lap.
Holding Spaces
Posted on March 10, 2011 - Filed Under beginnings, fear, feelings, gratitude, self reflect
I find myself swimming in the waters of self doubt in the last week or so, uncertain about how much of it is me, how much of it is my monkey mind, how much of it is my inner critic, and how much of it is hormones. Either way, it feels a little dark, a little uncomfortable, and a tad curious. I am in another whirlwind of changes, between work (or potentially the lack of it) and a blossoming new connection that is different beyond anything I have experienced. I am not used to being treated with such deep respect, in a way that every communication feels honoring and soft and well paced. I keep bumping against my own conditioning, what has felt normal in my life has not always been what I wanted, and faced with possibilities of something very different I hesitate, staring at all of it with such uncertainty and some fear… staring at it as I would with a creature I have not seen before. Communication without judgment, holding needs like soft little stones, until the weight of them transforms both the bearer and the carrier. Talking in a way that is filled with curiosity and make-shift grass huts of safety – not guaranteed but at least afforded the care to even exist. Make-shift grass huts – smelling earthy and familiar – yet not the environment I have learned to exist in. So, I found myself taking steps back this week, stepping back and contemplating possibly turning away… because I am not sure I am ready for disappointment or grief or any of the other feelings that accompany building a relationship with someone who creates a feeling in me of being seen, feelings that accompany a deep need to matter, a need for expressing myself without fear, expressing myself without anxiety about how it will land, or how it might be consumed.
Then the question: Would it feel more comfortable for you if I were more judgmental? This is not an offer, it is only a question… (then the space for my answer)
My immediate answer was no… but as I sat with that a few more breaths I recognized that little energy in me who is so accustomed to battling the judgments, and she was saying, YES, YES… isn’t that NORMAL? Isn’t that the only way I should be treated? …and when I heard that murmur I was filled with grief, a sadness I couldn’t figure out where to place, what drawer to stuff it in, what energy to give it. Yet, quite visibly, that is not what I want my relationships to look like, but that is how I expected to move through my experiences. That is what I keep expecting to happen… I keep vigilantly watching for, so I can put on my battle gear and work the wheels of making myself matter enough that I am accepted by a partner without lists of conditions, dependencies, and insecurities. Instead…
I can hold a space for this, just where you are, just where I am, Evelyn, just as it is.
Are you kidding? I have never been asked to share where I am at and be met with that level of patience… I have never been allowed to be scared, and withdrawn, and anxious without being met with a lack of regard, or calls to action, or demands for how I must change, or anxiety that where I am is NOT OK. What was I hearing? I can just be here? Be scared at what is so unfamiliar and yet touches a longing in my heart for being connected and safe and loved. Be in the presence of someone who easily mirrors the values I hold for connection and yet the unfamiliarity of it makes me second guess intentions and direction. I never expected I would find this level of ease, nor that it would make me so unsettled.
It has been a few weeks since that conversation. I am riding the flow of this awareness… working hard not to let my own self judgments root, staying conscious of the ways I might be self-sabotaging, and finding a certain safety in the space he creates for me to be mindful and curious and even anxious and uncertain. I am walking carefully, and mindfully. Every living word starts with a breath, a certain centering, to check out if it really is what I mean before I say it. Waiting for what lives in him afterwords, then what remains there in me beyond that. Feels a bit like tossing those pebbles back and forth until the sand and grit wear off, and beneath there lies some soft orb of energy, splendidly conscious and alive… and I am grateful for the spaces, for the gentleness.
Sun Warmed
Posted on February 9, 2011 - Filed Under Uncategorized
Tending the soil of my own growth & creativity has been a process the last two years, and from that has emerged some amazing relationships, opportunities, classes, and best yet, artwork. I am drenched in a splendid rain of self expression, through photography and image… and in that space I am loving what I nurture in myself. I am far from perfect, sometimes feeling a bit dismal, overcast, or foggy… but behind it all still remains that nice warm sun.
Common Areas
Posted on February 6, 2011 - Filed Under JP, kid, Parenting
I return home to what should be a spanking-clean house, and find instead the trails of a teenager, freshly pounded into the meadow that is our “common area.” Remnants of his entertainment, owning this space more often than I do based on my busy work schedule, means I find things that don’t quite compute with my need to be somewhat orderly. In fact, the common area can be almost treacherous, with vine-like PS3 cords strewn across the floor, parts attached or unattached, flickering and distracting lights, and volumes left at unexpected and edgy levels. Yogurt lids, like pieces of flesh, lie in random places (other than the trash) glimmering silver and crinkled, perhaps to distract my eyes from the potentially dangerous other things left in his path. Glasses of half consumed liquids, or empty and piled cups, leave me without a vessel to quench my own thirst. A residue of something consumed, under the ravaging need for food after teen-socializing, results in a dangerously sticky spot on the coffee table, one that eventually starts to smell and may result in the permanent adherence of my sock or a hand to the coffee table. And the most perilous of situations, is to find a pencil embedded in my ass when attempting to relax on the couch of pernicious vestiges; namely, teenager homework, computer, remote controls, markers, pillows, and sometimes dog. And last night, it followed on the sacrifice of a few monetary items and a very LONG day, and turned me into a very grumpy and exhausted lioness.
Such has been the onslaught of teenage-hood, into my life as a single mom. I have to temper myself – which isn’t always easy, self soothing with chocolate, Dali Lama Music, and the escape to my own personal space. I have threatened to remove all “common area” privileges, to take away the constantly-in-motion Rubik cube he carries to keep his mind busy, and reduce his allotment of PS3 time… but alas, he seems to find satisfaction in other things like Rubik forum discussions, video-taping strange things like piles of can tops, and Facebook. Sometimes this home is a bit like a dangerous safari trip, and navigating both the languaging of requests and ongoing list of needs, is not unlike paddling a river… sometimes with the current and sometimes exhaustively against it.
8 Things: My Blossoming New Year
Posted on January 1, 2011 - Filed Under 8Things, journaling, learning, life, Photography, thoughts
I am writing my own 8 things list this week… because it is the new year, and this isn’t about resolutions, but about celebrating what I have accomplished, and exploring what I want to make of my life over the next year. I joined 43things tonight, and started my list… not sure how I will use the site, but I am well aware that there are some things I REALLY want to focus on this year… and I figured a determined little list would serve as my own reminder, when I have forgotten, as to what I was thinking or encouraging in myself for the New Year. My list is growing fast, but this is what I have been pondering for several weeks now…
- I want to inspire creativity in others & nurture the self love of others
- I am on a mission to blog at least once a week
- I will keep up on my Morning Pages (some way, some how… at least 4 days a week) – and I give myself permission to be as creative as I want in the generation of those pages… it isn’t just about the words!
- I am determined to keep up on my 365 project with my sister, even if we don’t just wing it (what a feat that was) but foster themes and concepts to inspire us this new year.
- (BIG ONE) I will LIVE more colorfully and express my genuine, shyly-bohemian self without self criticism or judgment. I took the first step on the 18th with my little sister, getting that little nose piercing I have been chattering about since I was 20ish (lets see… 21 years later … took me a while to break out of that box!)
- I will stick by my own side with grace, compassion, and empathy (way to go Girl!)
- I will actively start looking for the kind of job that pays me VERY well for my skills as a teacher, speaker, writer, or simply, that encourages my highest and greatest self to shine!
- I will trust myself, and I will trust that the Universe knows exactly what it is doing, and has my best interests in mind, then I will TRUST myself some more!
I have more… like seeing Italy and Spain, living closer to my sister, continuing to improve my health… however, all those can come as they need to… the above are specific parts of my life I truly want to attend to this year. I am determined to live my authentic self, blossom and grow, and trust myself!
On a final note, I found a prompt in a great little book my sister got me for Christmas that got me thinking… (Happy New Year to ME – the world JUST started shouting in celebration on the CA coast, and I am doing one thing I really want to do to start the New Year – WRITE!!) …”What would you give yourself an award for over this last year?” I asked the question on Facebook… and only got one person (my little sister of course) to answer. However, I would celebrate my courage with regards to starting those great Creative Soulcare Workshops – AND I TOTALLY get an award for keeping my financial head above water my first year on my own!! Here is to an even BETTER financial year, full of abundance, self-sufficiency, new and blossoming friendships and relationships, and rewarding work!
8 Things – Thanks
Posted on December 9, 2010 - Filed Under 8Things
- I am deeply grateful for the kind of weather that encourages me to cuddle up with myself, wear warm socks, drink healing tea, see my breath, and somewhat hibernate with all the progress I have made this year.
- I am grateful for the Jug Handle Creek Farm Little Sister Crisis Hotline, and the non-judgmental, loving, encouraging support I get from my little sister and brother-in-law.
- I am warmed to the core with my amazing teenager, whose humor and perspective makes me laugh, snicker, gaufaw, cringe, giggle, smile, and brag in one way-shape-or-form every day.
- I am grateful for the presence and literally distance (close distance) of my dad, who overall, is a foundation wall as I move through all the things going on in my life… his willingness to help me with my kid and Gizmo, his generosity of time, and the financial loans that keep me above water… and even the invitations to Jaguar “events” with all his Jag buddies… makes me feel like eye-candy at 41!
- I am grateful for my mom’s tenacious efforts to keep us close, even when I am resistant, the beautiful way in which she loves the world, with such a tender and compassionate heart. I know I try to model that in my actions in the world.
- I am grateful for the family that loves me, no matter what, and whose unwavering love holds me up, though I don’t always see it, or taste it, or hear it, until I hibernate with all that I have.
- I am ridiculously grateful that I STILL manage to pay for a plane ride to see my sister, because those journeys heal me, revive me, and keep me hopeful and centered.
- I am grateful for the relationship I had for 11 years with my “was-bund” and the 20+ year history we carried with us, that leaves me with more good memories than bad, with ongoing love in my heart, and the challenging but bountiful gift to help me discover what I needed… my courage… my desire to move into a place of self-discovery.
This exercise can be found at one of my favorites blogger sites: http://www.magpie-girl.com/8-things/ ( and my list is not in any order of importance, but comes from the flow of thought I spilled out)