Being Found
Posted on April 20, 2010 - Filed Under feelings, Heinz, self concept, sisters, thoughts
I have been contemplating this post for weeks, aware of what March and April mean to me on so many levels. It was this time last year that I had my last visit to Villa Luna Rica, that my heart shifted upside-down and left me working really hard to understand what all I was feeling, hoping, and living. It was this time last year that my art began to emerge again, that I planned a trip to see family in a big way, that I struggled to add a new identity to all that I was… It was this time last year, April 4th, that I had my very first, brief, conversation with my big brother… lost over decades… and found, wondering what he looked like, how he was, who he was, and the nature of his family…
In this year, we have been in each other’s presence only in that 4 day weekend, merged in San Diego… but I have been gifted ongoing glimpses into his life. I have made an enormous connection with his daughter Anna, I have sent birthday greetings and chatted on late-night calls, and longed to visit with them again… What I know is that I laugh when we talk… my playfulness comes easy with him, and he is easier to talk with than most men in my life. He expects nothing but my genuine self, and I am grateful that we are in each other’s lives.
I went back and read my entry from last April. The story hasn’t changed other than settling in with the idea that I have an added sibling, and I am now the middle child. I have been on a journey to find my sense of self again, to explore playfulness, and roll in the joy that comes with being content with life. My first year as a 40 year old, and I have kicked up fitness, I have started wearing glasses, and I am “doing it” alone again… a sense of personal empowerment is emerging. I am encouraged in so many directions. I have started taking my playful photography to heart, photographing glimpses of my life this year (starting from January 1st), and I have spoken to my sister nearly every day since the start of the year.
What I know is that this year has been filled with finding what was lost. Finding my truth, finding my brother, finding my creativity and finding my sense of joy. I have found depths to my relationship with my sister that continue to astound me, continue to remind me that I can trust deeply in another human being, and be loved unconditionally. I have found a new kind of friendship with Gary, and a new appreciation for my son. I have strived to live a little braver, take some risks, and discovered also some resistance, and fear.
There is nothing profound or funny about my post … it has been sitting in drafts because I somehow felt it was dull. But perhaps it is really that I find it hard to put into words what this last year has meant to me, how it has shifted me, how it feels to be found on so many levels. AND posting means I leave yet another record of the journey I am on, for future reflection.
“It’s not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.” – Anonymous