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Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Decks & Mosquitos

Posted on November 30, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

You know, I thought I could live in peace on the deck tonight… under what looks like a full moon, dashing between clouds and stars… but instead the Mosquitoes figured they needed to come ALL THE WAY up HERE and pester me, in my jammies and fuzzy sweater. Life is grand even with Mosquitoes…

There is a sense of relief in me tonight that I haven’t felt in a long time. Something about letting the truth exist, and taking steps towards some answer that isn’t a state of limbo, feels relieving. “The News” of my life right now has settled in over the last few months… I have cried, and tormented myself, and gotten cold, and found empathy, and hoped, and then finally got to some place that is just what it is… Making it known bit by bit, to those who know me well, feels better than having all this quietly to myself. I had been so afraid to look “what I needed” in the eye and acknowledge the inner voice asking for something different. I guess in some ways I believed that maybe this was a failure, that others would have some judgment about what all this is… but it is not a failure, it is a transition. One piece of my life has come to an end, and a new beginning is a part of me like this sweater and the cool fall air. It is what it is. I can’t explain anymore “what happened” or try to soothe the faces of disappointment, or acceptance, or confusion that pass before me when I share what is going on. I have already had all those feelings this year, and now, though sometimes it feels sad, it is just another adjustment. I am relieved that I have some semblance of a direction, some goals in front of me, some sense of self emerging from the fragments of “me, you, and us.”

So, abandoning the deck, so that the mosquitoes might find someone else to feed on, with one last gaze at the full moon – a cool breeze emphasizing the timid chirps of frogs in the lake, I have this growing need to clean house. When I say cleaning house, I seriously mean, cleaning out the residuals… cleaning out all the stuff I have collected, for what purpose I don’t know, and shred it, use it, sell it, or give it away. Boxes of teaching stuff, books and books and books, files of letters and memories of people who are not in my life in any way, clothing that doesn’t fit, shoes I don’t wear, items I don’t use, and endless little things I keep cause “I might need it” and have yet to see the light of day. What is all this stuff anyway? It isn’t me? It doesn’t represent me. It doesn’t even define me… so why is it all here? Why do I have it? What does it all mean? There are my treasures, that make me smile and remind me of my journey, then there is all this other stuff. I might need a clan of friends to come some weekend and help me detach and sort through all there is so that I can allow myself the room to grow some more.

So as the space I live in changes, and the people I love shift and move around me, and I start life again with a new perspective and sense of peace, I can find the page to write, and the friend to listen, and the music to carry my soul… and finally open up again to see my truth and smile… even with mosquitoes.

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