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The Sound of Distraction

Posted on August 11, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

Sculpture, Wire, Clay, & Bead, 2009

So much has been going on lately I am hardly sure if I am awake, asleep, dreaming, teaching, eating, or any combination of the prior. Life has been filled with emotional dilemmas and discombobulating feedback on top of some of my closest family having their own tumultuous life-rides. In it all I stare at my blog, wishing I had something inspiring, or possibly interesting to post, not that I have many readers other than family (and if I do, they keep themselves in the quiet shadows of the Internet, despite my utter joy and fascination when someone actually POSTS something in the commentary.) Actually, let me just state that I really do invite commentary or discussion of any kind on my blog, by anyone – as it creates a sense in me that I am not an island – and lately I am tired of being in my own little island world, constantly fighting off rampant thoughts and battling internal turmoil…. YOU (yes… I am pointing my finger at you) are always welcome to show your face and put in your two cents (or more). Maybe I will learn something, or find out I am just having a pre-mid-life crisis.

My son just turned 14 on Friday. He is 6’3″, lanky, has started making faces when I hug him, and demonstrates conversational intelligence when you can distract him from runescape long enough to actually talk. His humor continues to entertain me, and his new fascination with sign language has made him even more dynamic. The only annoyance to the signing is that he assumes I am already deaf and can read lips. He mouths everything, but I can’t read sign, so I stare at him blankly. I know the signs for mother, dog, love, moment, turtle, (I slaughter sea turtle, but know what it is supposed to do,) bullshit, whore, chocolate, cheese, cake, and of course flying ninja pirate monkey. I think he is really just preparing for my old age – when I have lost my ability to hear. Actually, the passing of his birthday reminds me I am getting older too.

As 40 creeps in just weeks away, I find it approaching with the same uncertainty as 2012. I am not sure if the world will end or I will be catapulted into a whole new awareness of being. Either way, I have been doing a lot of screaming in my dreams, so much that I roused myself at 1:11am (this is the second day in a row) to the sound of my own horrified and possessed internal shrieks. I woke up seeing shadows and singing a mantra, “I am filled with love and light” for a good 10 minutes, then started reading Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now as a distraction.

Distraction – I think that is the key word here. I am filled with distraction and avoidance. I can’t write morning pages consistently, I play cards on my iTouch while I play cards with my family. Every waking moment is filled with something. I spent Sunday in the kitchen, first making home-made flax and multi grain chocolate chip pancakes for the boys (Justin had a sleep over. Once that was done I spent 3 hours baking yummy low-glycemic oatmeal peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, and finally topped the night off with a meal of seared Ahi Tuna and Portabella Garlic covered broccoli. Since when am I little Miss Suzie Home-maker?

In fact, every time someone asks me how I am lately, I feel like they are asking me to ricite the list of presidents, backwards, in order of height. What the Fanooozle? My best answer? “OK.” What more do they want to know? I can’t figure it out myself!

Lovely that every zencast I listen to discusses mindfulness and meditation, and I think I may simply jump out of my skin if I sit quiet too long. What will I find if I actually get quiet? I keep thinking I need to smoke a hookah and zen out for an hour to find out, but fear has me tethered to the potent pressure of an internal brick cornerstone. Fear of what I don’t know… but I am too afraid to ask.

So, if you are inclined to ask, let me answer you right now… “I’m OK.” I find joy every day in all kinds of things. I am not walking around like a depressed zombie, nor am I laughing hysterically every time someone sneezes. On a scale of 1 to 10 with regards to my internal confusion and discombobulation, I am about an 8. What would I look like if I wasn’t like this? Well, I would probably be sleeping better, and clearly know my mind and heart, and would likely have a head of thick beautiful hair and be feeling the glorious energy of every human that passed me, and my dreams would be filled with content laughter instead of shrieking internal banshees.

Comments

3 Responses to “The Sound of Distraction”

  1. Anonymous on August 12th, 2009 12:12 am

    It is so much fun to be getting older and seeing your daughter, the little angel face baby I held in my arms almost 40 years ago, ready to celebrate her big 40. It is comfortable to appreciate how parallel our lives run. The emotional roller costar start to go faster and faster filling our hearts with the constant aches of the same questions.
    Why am I here? Who am I?, what do I want? Where am I going? Have a lived to the best of my abilities? Have I been a good Mon?
    Age gives us that precious gift of acceptance and turns the question into, so what?.. What a gift is to a mother to see and lived the passions being express by such and educated, self centered, loving and caring woman who happens to be my daughter.
    If I could do it all over again, I will be more relaxed, easy with my feelings, and so realize they are only feelings, unfounded fears, and lack of trust in the Higher Spirit that is in constant watch, like a mother keeping guard on her toddler in the park. I have a long way to go, but reading your blog brings me to a reality check of myself. Thank you for your inspiring and profound writings.
    People may not always comment, but my sister Elizabeth never misses to asked me, Did you read Evelyn's beautiful blog today? She never misses it.
    Mami

  2. PiTo on August 12th, 2009 12:53 am

    "In fact, every time someone asks me how I am lately, I feel like they are asking me to ricite the list of presidents, backwards, in order of height. What the Fanooozle? My best answer? "OK." What more do they want to know? I can't figure it out myself!"

    It is a rhetorical question with no answer required but expected. I always give the rote response (for me) of 'nice' i.e. not naughty. Just keep staying nice, and you won't have any problems that a hammer can't fix.
    Love you,
    -Pito

  3. Evelyn on August 12th, 2009 10:16 pm

    Nana – thanks. I am glad for family reading (although sometimes I scare myself with my posts, knowing that family will read) I love that you read and comment… I can always go back and read what you have written. I love you!

    Pito – I tried "Nice" but what if I don't want to be nice – what if it's something entirely different? What if I say grumpy – then everyone wants to know WHY I am grumpy. If I say bored, they fill me up with ideas of getting unbored. If I say present – then they will think they had inadvertently done a roll call and likely repeat the question so I have to come up with ANOTHER answer. I don't know if I just want to say nice – that is like saying ok – they are both a stretch.

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