When the Dust Settles
Posted on July 28, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect
Somewhere in December I really noticed a shift in my being as my eyes began to really open to the way my life was working all around me. To compliment that shift in vision I adjusted relationships with crazy makers in my life, joined an Art Group, visited my sister for almost two weeks of introspection, and then, shortly after, the earth moved.
When I say the earth moved, I really mean that my entire being shifted like I had been walking on slate with no traction. I was hit – head on – with all kinds of realizations that have created a whirl-wind in my marriage and life. Parts of me, deeply isolated from my being after marriage, had simply had enough of it, and were pressing the edges of their asylum. All kinds of crazy hit me – crazy in my need for self expression, crazy in the tormented effort to quiet that self-expression, crazy in the resentment I was feeling, crazy in the way I was taking life in, crazy in the grief I felt for all those parts of me I had been ignoring, crazy in the things I brought into my life in an effort to feel – in an effort to to figure out what I want and need… Crazy in the things I actualized, even if for just a few moments, just to feel something different than what I had for too long… if just to love differently, to breathe differently, to know myself differently, to know others differently. My very soul pressed the edges of my being, screaming for some divergence of what I have been… exhausted from the deep state of melancholy I covered up with life, work, and school.
In that craziness my inner artist emerged again dancing with efforts of self-expression, my body vibrated with every breath I took. I could smell and feel and taste like I hadn’t in years. I isolated myself in that craziness, I have taken little side trips to disappear, I have trudged through painful conversations, I have stated some of my truths, I have stepped away fearful of what I might put on the pages of my journal, I have cried deeply without anyone hearing, and now, somewhat exhausted, some of the dust is settling.
Lately, my dreams have dissolved before I could even grasp them – I wake up to dust. As particles of myself fall all around me I am finally dazed. I was asked – “What do you want?” and I really don’t know. I know I can’t stand being bored with my life. I know I need space. I know I need to be understood in the language that I use, understood in the dance that I dance. I know I need to be loved, and I need to love, but I don’t know what that should look like anymore, or feel like. I know that I keep avoiding opportunities – to figure that out – maybe out of fear: fear of success, fear of failure? I know that I miss having deep, soulful conversations about all aspects of existence that leave me contemplating and wondering.
I think at this moment my compass is a bit broke. I wish someone would give me a direction that I can follow and trust, instead of the directions that they perceive are best for me – I WISH I could give ME a direction that I CAN FOLLOW and TRUST. I’m not doing a very good job of that lately – only because life is so bright after being in the dark so long – things are a bit fuzzy – maybe a pair of shades will bring things into focus. In fact, I think I was feeling so much just a few weeks back that I had to find ways to numb in down a bit – and that included all range of emotions.
It is interesting that my consulting work has literally “dried up” and that I have more time on my hands than I am used to – and I expect that is so I can find my direction. I am looking, and listening. Maybe I will bump into it sometime soon. If anyone finds my direction, let me know.