Mindful-fun-da-mentals

Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Fire, Fire…

Posted on April 30, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect

Perhaps… during those cold winter nights when I would steal off to see my “flame” in Wappingers Falls, NY, being on fire was the only thing keeping me warm.

[Mind you, the “Plinky Prompt” specifically asks “What’s the most on fire you’ve ever been?” So I am simply trying to pull that back into my minds-eye.]

Actually, that has to be pretty accurate. My Metal Head Adonis (MHA) and I are close to celebrating our 10yr anniversary. It wasn’t something that at 18 I ever imagined… but here we are… (eyes glaze over in fond memories…) slipping into 40, keeping two businesses running, and teaching.

MHA caught my eye early on in High School (Good Old Arlington HS), as his sky blue eyes were like nothing I’d ever seen, and the fact that HE was also an artist completely suckered me. High School was full of all kinds of hormonal confusion & misnomers. I struggled with who I was, came upon some memories that I had tucked away pretty well, and essentially had a lot of stuff to manage. He and I were “friends” and I was clueless to the level of attention he was paying to my cute 16yr old ass. Regardless, he managed to entertain me during my trip to Colombia after graduation, sending DAILY letters with illustrations of Calvin & Hobbes (and Susie, my alter ego).

Eventually, after a failed “engagement” out of HS and early college (someone else), and dozens of trips on the train down the Hudson to NYC to visit him at the School of Visual Arts, I began to realize that I was busily collecting kindling for something big. In fact, I collected branches and twigs with each pull of his hankie from his pocket, or in the way that he knew just where to go with a tiny pocket subway map – a total turn on. Frankly, by 20, I had plenty of kindling every time he even breathed on me.

But it wasn’t until we actually started “hanging out” (before my engagement) that I got consumed by all the energy he carried for me, and then quickly figured it wasn’t mutual (wrong!) and thus, wandered off to figure out what relationships were in other ways.

One of my most flaming memories was meeting him at his parent’s house late one winter night, during a full moon, and taking a walk together. We walked for a while, in the quiet of that fresh snow, out into a field, and I remember (despite WISHING he would kiss me already!) hearing the muffled echo in the snow of each step he took next to mine, as if between us followed another set of ourselves. His breath billowed around him as if little phantoms were teasing me. I felt the warmth of his hand like coals, and just a simple hug completely made my toes sweat. I stood out there, completely present and grounded, anchored in that snow, watching him move and gesture, soundless on a sea of white. When he decided it was too cold, and began to walk away, I was overwhelmed by emotion. That snow was keeping me from torching the entire universe. Even then, I knew there was distance and connection in the same mass of being… but that fire, despite my engagement, dis-engagement, love affair, breakup, and 8 years of distance, didn’t lose it’s ability to warm my soul.

Now, really being honest about the ways in which I easily got “fired up” would demonstrate a lack of grace, but I can honestly say that all of them were with him. It wasn’t however, in the act of ever doing anything, but rather in the anticipation of what would or could happen. Each time we met (and trust me, we were like two dancers with left feet, constantly chicken-dancing around our feelings for what seemed YEARS) just being present with each other was like sticking hot coals in my socks, and a few warm ashes in my ears. There was nothing I loved more than the wonder and anticipation…

And still… it is that wonder, when it creeps up on us… that keeps a fire burning.

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