Uninvited
Posted on January 23, 2009 - Filed Under self reflect
An emotionally stinging moment this week has me dealing with a lot of residual stuff floating around, and early this morning the dream I had, so vivid, I think really speaks to my subconscious fears and interpretation. Interesting…
Somewhere along the way I go to V&F;’s home. There is a lot going on, with caterers preparing and glass tabletops stacked on the floors. I go to the living room to work on a computer. I have no idea what is going on. I see F who smiles and comes in. I ask what is going on and he tells me that he and V are having a special bath. The house keeper walks by and says something about it almost being time. F says, “It is like a ceremony, really quite beautiful.” He gestures with his hands the flow of energy he is trying to describe. The description includes V and her part in the “flow” of energy. I wish I knew what that was like. I try to talk to F, as I am already aware that he (though V) is unhappy with me and I want to try to understand and clear things up. He looks at me and says that we will have to handle it all later, another time. He goes to hug me and puts several folded blankets between us, I begin to tear up, not liking the distance created by the blankets but also relieved that at least he is hugging me. I start to say, “V said you don’t love me anymore…” then I immediate correct myself, feeling him breathe in sharply, “I mean she didn’t say that, but that you don’t want me here…” and he, as I say the first, says, “No, but I can call her over, she would not have said…” He gets up, he is wearing a robe. I am sitting on the floor, fussing with something (I am guessing computers) and I see V walk by, wrapped in a glamorous gold robe, she passes me without acknowledging me. F follows. Then I see others come through, some say hello and smile. One asks if I am also joining. They all are wearing robes. My mother walks in, saying she is invited. I am very aware of how uninvited I am.
I know that I am expected to leave, I am not part of any of their ceremony. I get my shoes, and they suddenly have some complicated straps that I am not sure how to put on without tripping. I am not sure how to walk with those shoes. I try to get out but struggle to walk around the stacks of glass tabletops, now scattered around further than when I arrived. I am afraid that if my foot hits even an edge I will shatter the table tops and incur more anger and disappointment. As I edge around I am relieved to get to the garage door. The garage is enormous, almost like an airplane hanger. I need to open the garage, then shut it and run, but I can only get 1/4 of the way before it shuts all the way down. A set up crew pulls into the drive way and I am able to get out and leave it open.
As I walk down the road and leave I pass a house with 4 very large dogs in front. They look like a cross between a greyhound and pit bull. I moment of fear hits me as they all perk up and look at me then begin charging me. I stand firm, yelling “NO” assertively, two back away sniffing the ground around me, the other two begin gnawing on my arm and hand. I grab one of them and hold his nose and open mouth and pull gently, giving him an angry “no” as I begin working my way away from them towards the end of the road, trying to stay alert and aware that they are dangerous. I also feel angry that an owner would leave 4 volatile dogs outside where they can harm others or children. With my shoe straps dragging and whipping around, I finally get to a place where I can walk though a fence, holding the dogs wet mouth in my hands, letting go when I can finally shut the door between us. Someone on my side of the fence, a greying older man, says, “That was awfully dangerous.” I look at him and nod, thinking, “What else could I have done.” As I walk I look back and V&F;’s house is like a plantation, up on a hill, big trees all around, and I know a lot goes on with out me.