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Explorations of mind, paths, and life

This Little Pill

Posted on October 10, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

I’ve been a pill lately. Simply intolerant of the daily grind – the same games and efforts to maintain a norm that I am so bored with. Damn I am bored. Stupid arguments, some of which are a subtle effort to test how much of all of it is meant for me, to see if there is anything more or deeper in my relationships. I am craving some depth to life lately, the richness of conversation that leaves me with bated breath, that enriches my mind with new ways to see the world. It is so hard to find that. My social group is limited, and my friends so very few… So I pine for my sister who knows that depth of conversation, who knows how to toss a conversation and keep me thinking.

It isn’t hormones, it’s a need for enrichment. It’s irritation with the monotony. I should be happy – life is good, bills are paid, work is there, big nurturing breakfasts on the table each morning. Yet, my brain needs the flames of getting something new, learning something, experiencing people in my life differently.

I started counseling again at Rollins, as a volunteer for the group class. As I sit each week, processing the stories and noting my own levels of confidence (or the lack of) I miss being in the classroom, learning and growing with others hungry for the same. I am sitting at the end of the journey, watching the shivers of anticipation as these students are just starting down the road, and beginning to wonder what all is in store for them. They don’t know just yet, although it is already a faint scent, how much they will learn about themselves, how deeply the program will transform the way they see the world and the way they relate to others.

That transformation makes me want a new level of richness in my life. It makes me crudely impatient with my own relationships, impatient that sometimes the civility just doesn’t shine through as well I know it could. It makes me angry with myself for engaging in communication styles that are redundant and unproductive. The gift and the curse of knowledge. Regardless, this knowledge lights a fire under me in the classroom. Most of my classes have engaging students who quickly get my sense of humor and the feedback makes my stories bloom. I have a small series of tales that help me emphasize the typical conundrums in relationships, and my students nod and snicker at the familiarity, each and every time. I would not have these stories without my marriage and the tumbles and snuggles we have engaged in, nor the ongoing growth as we learn more about each other.

So, getting back to the boredom. I’ve been a pill lately. My story telling and humor shines through with energized laughter in the classroom, and a repressed and disconnected sense of self at home. I am wondering what the deal is. I expect it (whatever “it” is) keeps me from discovering new levels to my relationships. It keeps my goofiness hidden, fearful almost. In the classroom I breathe and dance the topic like it evolved from the center of “Evelyn” and at home I return to the dull labor of “every day.” I think I need some new adventures to get me blogging, I want that same energy and contentedness to be found at home …

Comments

2 Responses to “This Little Pill”

  1. Monica on October 11th, 2008 10:00 am

    AMEN. I’m right there with you. I feel tremendously bored and restless, too. And then I get angry. For me, it’s the stagnation of working in a low-paying job doing the same things over and over again for nearly 4 years. And no major travel in all that time. For me, an adventure to a distant land usually helps kick-start my life again. But there’s all this home stress and economy stress and fear that if I quit my job, there won’t be another job waiting. So I sit and stagnate and feel mad about it.

    ARGH!

  2. Ally on October 13th, 2008 9:45 pm

    I hear what you are saying, and I feel it too! We need to have a good girly date 🙂 we can live vicariously thru each other! lol

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