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Explorations of mind, paths, and life

What is the world saying?

Posted on September 23, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

I found it interesting that within 24 hours of my last post other things magically confirmed this place I am in. It began with a client of mine whose Blog arrived in my inbox first thing the next morning; “And each of us will face various crossroads throughout our lives. Though how we work through those processes may be very different…” Next, an email from my sister that I had missed from my Yahoo Account – asking if she had sent my annual horoscope to me for my Birthday in August. The email – two days before my post, unread for almost 2 days AFTER I wrote my post, and yet eerily connected to what I am struggling with… “You might find that you are more goal-oriented, and that superficial objectives no longer satisfy you. You want your life path and your objectives to reflect what you’re really about, and you are likely to rid yourself of unsatisfying goals this year.”

The search has been building. Once I declared that changes needed to happen, I was suddenly noticing other opportunities. I find myself searching ads, tracking down job descriptions, working on my resume, and beginning to mention my intentions to clients as I work with them along the way. Without a doubt, certain aspects of my consulting work is wearing on me, and I find that I am not as patient as I had been, not that I don’t love troubleshooting and fixing, but the explaining what it is I do is feeling exhausting – something I never minded before. What that tells me is that I am bored with it. I know what I am doing, but just don’t have the same enthusiasm as I had in the past. I had a client/friend complain that I “always seem overwhelmed, sighing and whining.” Granted, I know I can get that way when I know my timeline doesn’t meld well with theirs, however, the feedback was jarring. I don’t want to be that way, project that attitude, or feel overwhelmed. As I listened I felt I was doing what I see Justin do when unable to manage the feedback. I shut down and stuffed it hard. I have learned that well, and I could see that it angered my friend even more which resulted in it becoming necessary for her to use the “always & nevers;” words that can create heated arguments under our roof, but in the face of a mother figure, dissolved in seething discomfort and distress.

I talk to the students about “cognitive dissonance” – that uncomfortable place when one’s perceived self clashes with the feedback we get about ourselves. I am not immune to this sense of discomfort, and I knew that dispite my anger, my sense of being misunderstood, my woundedness, there was a bit of truth to what she was saying that required my attention. I know I whine when I am unhappy with myself or how my life is going. I know I puff a lot, which I have adopted to relieve stress, but mixed with facial expressions and body language can be so much more. I don’t like when things are out of my control.

This last week has been a hard one. Any time I have work under the deadlines and stresses of another person’s timeline I have become easily drained, exasperated, and obviously overwhelmed. I want out of that type of work. Additionally, I am not sure how much I want to chew on the negative feedback I have gotten. I am certainly looking around and attentive to new opportunities that may exist, and yet not taking the full steps needed to make a full transition. I guess I still feel somewhat tentative. Will I be able to make ends meet, will I like what I am doing, can I readjust to having a schedule out of my control? I am definitely feeling the undertow that emerges with the unknown, and once in that pull towards change, it is hard to remember that when you fight it you exhaust yourself. The rule is to “go with the flow” and eventually you emerge at a new destination safely. I am putting some faith in the subtle messages that have come at me about making the changes I think I need. It is fascinating that so many coincidental messages dropped on me within days of each other.

I have picked up the camera a few times this last week. New flowers and a new friend on the porch caught my attention. Kermie planted himself on the grill today, sunning himself under the beautiful sky, tucked up cozy with a great view of the lake. I went out to cook up some hot-dogs (we have a lifetime supply after the “Annual Birthday Bash”) and found Kermie sitting on the dial that lites up our grill. He refused to move, and tolerated my camera in his face. He was beautiful. Keep an eye on my ongoing Macro-adventure on Picassa called “World up Close…” I love that I can view things through the camera in a detail that I normally can not see without the camera’s lens. It is always relieving, peaceful, centering, to be there with my camera and seeing life away from the absurdities I am so good at crafting in my life.

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