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Explorations of mind, paths, and life

Water Dream

Posted on May 3, 2008 - Filed Under self reflect

I tried to go back to sleep so I could keep swimming with a total stranger, but last night’s chili just wouldn’t let that happen.

I was traveling with people who I recognize as family although I am not certain. We are staying in places where there are a lot of rooms, with a door leading into the next, and each room is chaotic with bags of stuff strewn about, half unpacked as if we were in a hurry to grab a bikini to jump into the ocean before the waves disappeared. I recall looking at stuff, and perhaps moving stuff from one bed and pile to another several rooms down. There was more to all this but is seems insignificant from what more occurred. I find the crowd of family or people, students, who knows. As I move with them I feel as though I am being pushed into another space which becomes a bus. I get off the bus and step into the Mexican desert. The smell of the desert presses hard against my nostrils and I breathe in sharply. I turn to the bus driver and ask him where my husband is. He looks confused so I describe him. Long hair, tall. The driver says he didn’t get on the bus. I ask, “How will he get here?” The driver states that they are going back to get another group. I think to myself – Will he know what bus to take? Does he know where I am? What will happen? – I take the few things I am carrying, a small pile of clothes with no defined meaning, and begin walking towards a building warmly illuminated in the distance.

I can hear the last few people coming off the bus. I walk across desert, admiring the plants, smelling that dry earthy smell. It is just past sunset so it is dark yet not completely black. I see a pool of water and notice it is a swimming pool outside the hotel we have been brought to. It is natural looking, the water brilliantly clear so that I can see the pebbles and sand at the bottom. Plants surround the pool and I dip my toe in and find that it is pleasantly warm. I think to myself that I will enjoy swimming in there. I realize I did not bring a swimsuit, and I feel horribly unprepared, as though I just don’t fit in to all this. As I approach the hotel I can see through big glass windows rooms that are like sitting/living rooms, and again they have doors that meet up with the next room. At the end of many rooms I see a hall that leads into the courtyard. It has a concert area at the east end, and two parallel pools through the center to west end of the courtyard.

The crowd has gathered at the east end and begun to dance and talk. Someone is selected to begin singing and the crowd responds favorably.

[Somewhere in here a person, perhaps an employee of mine, approaches and says they got an invoice from another singer we had asked to perform. He looks flustered and embarrassed. The singer comes up to me and says, “You owe me $105,000.” She looks “high-maintenance” and as she tosses an invoice to me I begin looking it over. It lists things such as water, shoes, a spa treatment, a necklace, food. I feel angry, as none of this was agreed upon. I ask her what contract she had with us. “You asked me to sing, and I did. This is my bill.” Flustered and angry that I have to manage figuring out the numbers and how to pay I turn away from her and the employee and walk towards the crowd.]

I feel out of place and begin pulling away from the crowd towards the pools. I am looking into the water, wishing I had brought my suit. I put my stuff down. I have my mouth guard in (which I do as I sleep) – I place it on the ground near my stuff.

A man approaches me. He is dark haired, with dark soft eyes. He is sturdy looking, not thin, not overweight, not flabby or too chiseled. He smiles and slips his arms under mine, around back and grasps the tops of my shoulders, and then leans towards the pool. For a split second I protest, as I am fully clothed and I know I don’t have the right clothes to change into – I didn’t bring my bag. His smile is steady and I feel I can trust him – we fall into the pool and like a fish he brings me down to the deepest part. I feel the pressure in my ears building, and just as I think I can not hold my breath a moment more he turns us back up. Oxygen slips through my nostrils just barely keeping me from suffocating and we burst to the surface taking a long deep breath. It is exhilarating and I laugh. He quickly turns back down and I hold on to him as he brings me down deep. I see the bottom of the pool and things floating near us. My ears feel full and I begin to spasm for breath – he turns and brings me back up again. He laughs and lets go. He takes off his wet shirt and swims from one end of the pool, leisurely and relaxed. I feel so insecure and shy but he watches me steadily, commenting that I am radiant. He asks if I want to go again and I say yes. We dive again, it feels so safe under the water, and even though I know I can’t breathe I feel as though I have little stores of oxygen in my nostrils just before I cannot take it anymore. Are we return to the surface he jump to the ledge and sits, asking me questions, what I do. I list off all my jobs, my eyes rolling as I go down the list (just as I do in life). He states, “Amazing woman, you keep busy.”

I see Carol and a friend from Zellwood, Tammy. They are hovering together, staring at me and this man in the pool. They interrupt, as if reminding me I have another life. I smile, I haven’t forgotten. I have no intention of doing anything, and I sense that he and I just connect well and he understands me more than anyone. I ignore them as they chat away, conspiring to distract me more. I swim around in the water, and I feel as though the man and I are conversing but nothing is being said. The water feels safe… clean. He invites me to go down again and as we travel down he swims so fast he is shadows of light and dark, I can not see him… again we return to the surface as I can’t hold my breath anymore, and on return I gasp big deep breaths.

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